How It Should Be
by Larka's Blessing
Summary: This is Severus Snape's version of How I Imagined It. I posted HIII as an outline for this story. This one has the same plot as HIII, but it's told through Severus's eyes. Rated T for subtle mentions of adult things. Going to be rewritten soon.


A/N As promised, here is Severus' POV on How I Imagined It. Enjoy!

I finished my work and put everything away. I had to go pick up Potter so we could get to know each other. I scoffed at myself. I knew I was just using the boy. I had no feelings for him, but I couldn't find it in me to tell him. I knew I should explain to him why, exactly, we had to keep this a secret, but that would mean I would have to tell him that I'm using him, and for some reason, I thought that would be more cruel than leading him on.

I shook myself out of my thoughts when I saw Potter's door in front of me. I backed up a bit, since I had almost walked into the door, and knocked. A very startled Harry opened the door. I looked around for anyone in the hallways as I told Harry to get his Invisibility Cloak and hurry. Harry nodded and threw it over himself.

I spun around and quickly walked to my dungeons. It was a long walk, and I often debated with myself whether or not the boy was worth it. I still haven't come to an answer, so I guess I just kept with the routine.

When we reached my rooms, I turned to Harry and ripped his cloak off of him. I pushed him against the wall. I made the sound in my throat that I knew Harry loved, but this time, I didn't get a reaction out of him. I was mildly disappointed, but that was nothing compared to what I felt when he pushed me away. I was angry that he thought he could just push me away like that. "Harry?" I couldn't call him Potter to his face, even though I wanted to.

Potter took a deep breath. "Severus," I wanted to sneer at his using of my first name. He didn't deserve that right, "I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of the secrecy, the sneaking around, and having to wait until you are finished teaching before I can see you. Why don't you love me in public?"

I should have known Potter would catch on before too long. I had to keep him here with me, so I lied. "I do love you, Harry." The words tasted bitter in my mouth. "I just have a reputation to keep up. I can't let people know that I care for you."

Emotions flew across Harry's face, and I filed them away for later use. I might be able to trap him with them if he ever catches on again. "So I'm less important to you then a reputation? You care more about your reputation then me. Severus, that isn't true love. I doubt you even know what love is. This relationship, if it could be called that, is over. If I'm not your everything, I'm not your anything. Goodbye, _Snape._" I thought I didn't feel anything for the boy, so what was this feeling in my chest? I shrugged.

I watched Harry turn and walk away from me. I knew that he would probably run to Dumbledore, complain, Dumbledore would explain everything, as he saw it, and Potter would come running back to me. I would give him a week at most before he would be under me again.

I began to wonder where he was after a half a week of no Potter. He wasn't even in the Great Hall for meals. I continued my life as normal, but every day Potter wouldn't show up is another day that my worries grew. Where was the boy?

I don't remember when, but one of the days, I felt the picture of me that I allowed Potter to keep smash. I felt weird when I felt the picture smash. There was something missing in me, I realized. What am I missing? I went over everything I'm supposed to have with me for the day, and I knew that I wasn't forgetting anything.

Two and a half more weeks passed by, and Potter never showed. I actually began to worry for him. I knew it was because I hadn't been inside him for two weeks, and I wanted him healthy for that. He couldn't be getting any nutrition where he was hiding, since none of the House Elves would bring food to him unless they knew him well enough.

I shrugged that thought off too. I was becoming distracted. I walked up to the Great Hall from my dungeons and threw open the doors. I always was one for a dramatic entrance. As soon as I sat down, Dumbledore leaned over to me and spoke. "Severus, you have today off. I know what has happened recently, and I'm sure it must be affecting you greatly." The look Dumbledore gave me clearly stated that he knew that it wasn't affecting me at all, and that it should be. "So, I would like to talk to you in my office when you are quite finished here."

"Yes, Headmaster."

Dumbledore nodded.

Damn him. He was going to ruin the perfection of life without Harry. He's going to make me take him back.

I ate as slowly as possible, but I knew there was a point where it was obvious that I was avoiding talking to Albus. He saw that I was done, nodded, and stood up. I stood and followed him, feeling very much like a child in trouble.

Once we reached his office, he slapped me across the face.

"What was that for?"

"You are heartless. Severus, I've been trying to get you to see the good in yourself all these years, but I can no longer see it myself. I have never been so ashamed of anyone in my life. You _used_ Harry! That boy did nothing but adore you! You led him on and you hurt him! Severus, I am ashamed of you. Why did you use him like that, Severus?"

"I don't know! I used him because he was willing! I needed a release! He didn't love me anyway! We knew what we were getting into!"

Dumbledore shook his head and fell down into his chair behind his desk. "Just leave. I have called you my son many times, but no son of mine would do this to a person. Leave."

I stormed out of Dumbledore's office to my dungeons. How _dare_ he hit me! Sure I had led Potter on, but I didn't feel anything for him in the first place. I sat down in my high backed chair and decided to go over the memories of the day Potter broke up with me. I went directly to the part when the emotions flew across his face. I had been curious as to what they were for a while now, and now that I had the time, why not analyze them?

As I looked back, I realized exactly which emotions graced Harry's face. There was shock, denial, and emotions I couldn't describe, but most of all, there were two dominant emotions: pain and the feeling of betrayal.

I was so shocked that I didn't realize I was being pulled out of my Pensieve. Dumbledore was there.

"Snape, I want you to know that Harry did love you. He loved you so much, Severus. Harry has never been really loved ever in his life. His friends betrayed him early on in his school years, and his relatives were not kind to him. It is my fault that he was ever placed there, but that is not the point. The point is that he trusted you to take care of him and to not hurt him, but you did just that. He is up in his rooms right now, crying, because you were too heartless to actually love him. Harry doesn't trust easily anymore, and I doubt he will ever trust anyone again after what you have done to him. You should be ashamed."

"I am, Albus. Please, help me fix this. I thought about what you said earlier, and I looked through the memories of that day, and what I did, and what Harry felt. I was so stupid. Albus, I think I do love him. Please help me get him to understand that I love him, please!"

"No. You've made your bed, Severus, now sleep in it. I forbid you to go to Harry. Harry has to come to you first, and I doubt that will ever happen. Once Harry has been betrayed, he is wary to forgive, and I know he will never forget this. In the very small chance you do get back together, you will have this incident hanging over your head. And if you don't, at least you'll still have a guilty conscious. You deserve to burn in Hell after what you have done."

It was then that I understood exactly how serious this situation was. Albus was usually the kind, caring grandfatherly person, even to me. To hear him say that I deserved Hell was beyond shocking. I fell to my knees and cried. I cried because I would forever be without Harry, and forever be with this heart-wrenching feeling of guilt. Once Albus left, I let myself sob. I had never broken down like this before, but Harry was worth it. Once I started, I couldn't stop, and I couldn't shake off this feeling of overwhelming sadness. "Harry, I'm so sorry."

Eventually, I picked myself up and walked down to dinner, casting glamours over myself to keep everything that happened between myself and Albus quiet.

It seemed I didn't need to. It seemed that Albus had already told the staff of my stupid decisions. I was met by countless glares. I sighed and dropped the glamours. There was a shocked gasp somewhere, but most of the glares turned to smug expressions. They were right. I deserved to feel like this. I sat down and picked at the food in front of me, but I couldn't make myself eat.

The guilt continued for another week, and I decided to only come out to teach and for dinner. I found that I was only hungry once a day, and dinner was always my favorite meal, so I chose that one. Plus, I felt that I was punishing myself more if I didn't eat until the end of the day.

I finished up the grading I was doing as saw that it was past time for dinner. I slowly stood up, the weight of my guilt was very heavy, and I was tired of feeling this sad. If only Albus hadn't banned me from seeing Harry, I could have apologized to him already. I was shocked to find that I didn't want to be inside of him anymore, like I had in the beginning. The thought of forcing myself on him again made me feel sick, and suddenly, I wasn't very hungry anymore. I knew I had to eat, so I tried to think of something else, but Harry wouldn't leave my mind. So, I decided to think about what I would do if I ever got the chance to apologize. That was easy. I would throw myself to the ground at this feet and beg for his forgiveness. I wondered if I actually loved him like I swore to Albus, or if I just wanted to use him again. I shook my head. I knew that I loved him. The thought to letting him go eventually, when I was done using him like I had originally planned, wasn't even a possibility. I couldn't let him slip through my fingers again, if I ever got the chance. I wanted to hit myself for letting him get away like this. I couldn't believe I let someone like Harry slip away. I can't believe I was so stupid to actually think that he knew that we were just messing around, and I can't believe how stupid I was to want to just mess around. Harry deserved more than that.

I steeled my resolve, and made myself go to dinner. I couldn't be weak anymore. I knew that the chances were very slim, but I was still hoping that Harry would show up at dinner. That was the only reason I didn't let myself slip away.

I quietly opened the doors to the Great Hall, and saw Harry there. I wanted to run up to him, but I knew I had hurt him, so I walked carefully. I was so happy that he was here! He looked up, met my eyes, and I smiled at him. I was just so happy that he was here! The smile was knocked off my face when he stood, shook his head, spoke to Minerva, and walked out of the hall. I saw him pause for a second, and then break into a full out run. I met Albus' eyes, the first time I had been able to since I realized what I had done, nodded, and ran after Harry. I knew I had to catch him, that this was my last chance to make things right with him.

I found him on the ground sobbing. I was out of breath from running this far, and I knew he had to be too, and sobbing probably wasn't helping. I shook myself out of my shock, and pulled him into my lap. I let him cry, but I tried to calm him down. He needed to breathe. "You're alright." I don't even remember half of the things I said to him. They were all erased when Harry realized who was holding him. He stiffened him my arms and hissed. "Snape! Let go of me!" I was so shocked that he could be that angry that my arms fell away by themselves. He sprung up from my lap and spun around. "What are you doing here?" He hissed at me again. I let one tear fall down, but I quickly wiped it away before Harry could see it. I didn't want him to feel pity for me.

I took a deep breath. "I came to apologize. What I said was stupid, and I was too ignorant to see it before now. I was stupid to think that my reputation could ever be as important as you. These last weeks have been torture to me, and I should have come talk to you sooner." It was true. I should have ignored Albus' forbidding of me seeing him.

"What about your other lover? Won't he be angry that you want to be with me again?"

"What are you talking about?"

"That's why you were so happy at dinner tonight. You could finally be with him in public, I wasn't in the way anymore." I couldn't describe the way I felt when he said that. I hated myself for making Harry think that he was just a cover. In a way he was, but I didn't want it to be like that anymore. I wanted to love him for real.

I wanted to wrap my arms around him and show him that he wasn't second in anything anymore, but I knew this was a bad time. I shook my head. "Silly boy. I don't have another lover. You are it for me. I was happy because I knew you were alive, and that because you were at the table again, maybe I could apologize. Harry, I made a big mistake, and I hope you can forgive me."

Harry stared at me and shook his head. I thought he was going to reject me. "Give me one reason why I should accept your apology." He was giving me a chance!

I knew what I had to do. I explained my thoughts out loud to Harry. "I wanted to do this in the Great Hall where everyone could see, but I guess here will work too." Before Harry could move away, I pulled him into my arms and captured his lips with mine. This kiss was so different from the ones I had taken from him before. This kiss was shared instead of taken, and that made all the difference. The kiss we shared was slow, loving, and perfect. It was how kissing was supposed to feel. It felt right.

I pulled away and smiled at the dazed look in Harry's eyes. I took his hands and looked into his eyes. "Harry, I love you. It was beyond stupid of me to try and hide you from the world, to try and hide us. I wish I could take back the pain I know I caused you, but the fact is, I can't. What I can do, though, is try to make it up to you. Is there any way I can?"

"Kiss me like that again." I was more than happy to do just that. I had never felt this good in my life.

"I love you so much, Harry Potter." That was the second time I had told him that I love him, and I was ashamed that I hadn't told him sooner.

Harry kissed me, which surprised me. Usually I was the one who would kiss him. Not that I was complaining at all. "I love you too. Just don't put me second to anything."

I took his words from the day we broke up. "If you can't be my everything, you won't be my anything, right?"

He kissed my nose, and I found that I liked it. "Right."

"Well I wouldn't want it any other way. Harry, you are my everything."

Harry smiled. "Good."

The rest of the night was devoted to talking and being together again. We spent so many nights getting to know each other, but this time it was the right way. I now knew how being in love felt.

We soon developed a schedule. Every other night was spent together, somewhere beautiful on or off the school grounds, just talking, holding hands, enjoying being together, and sometimes kissing. The odd nights were spent sleeping or working.

My life was as close to perfect as I thought it could get, but that was until the night that Harry agreed to marry me. But I don't want to give too much away. After all, this is my life and no one but Harry and I have the right to know what I think and feel.


End file.
